--- title: "3 important steps in marriage!" description: "Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in marriage, parties often focus on the characteristics and expectations of the other side." url: https://uha.com.tr/3-important-steps-in-marriage type: article language: en last_updated: 2026-02-28 category: haber --- ## Kaynak ve Yayıncı Bilgisi Bu içerik, Üsküdar Haber Ajansı (ÜHA) tarafından üretilmiş ve yayımlanmıştır. Kaynak: https://uha.com.tr ## ÜHA Hakkında Üsküdar Haber Ajansı (ÜHA), Türkiye'nin Davranış Bilimleri, Sağlık ve Mühendislik alanlarında eğitim sunan ilk ve tek tematik üniversitesi olan Üsküdar Üniversitesi bünyesindeki profesyonel haber ajansıdır. 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İçerik, Üsküdar Üniversitesi'nin resmi yayın organı olan ÜHA tarafından profesyonel gazetecilik standartlarında üretilmiştir. # 3 important steps in marriage! ## Bilgi | Özellik | Değer | |---------|-------| | **Kategori** | haber | | **Yayın Tarihi** | 2022-06-04 | | **Güncelleme** | 2026-02-28 | | **Kaynak** | [Üsküdar Haber Ajansı](https://uha.com.tr/3-important-steps-in-marriage) | ## Özet **Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in marriage, parties always focus on the characteristics and expectations of the other side, and said that in addition to expectations from the other party, one must also be aware of one's own duties and responsibilities. Tarhan pointed out that one must also ask oneself the question, ‘How should I be?’, and underlined that there are three important steps in marriage. Emphasizing that the first step in marriage is to know oneself, the second step is to know the other party, and the third step is to know the institution of marriage, that is, the system, Tarhan stated that couples need to make an effort and dedicate time for marriage to become a sanctuary.** ## İçerik ![](https://cdn.uskudar.edu.tr/uploads/images/2022/06/04/800/whatsapp-image-2022-06-04-at-13-19-08.jpeg) Founder Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made evaluations regarding marital maturity. Stating that marital eligibility and marital maturity are not the same thing, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “In marital eligibility, it seems sufficient for couples to be of age and for both parties to want each other. This is sufficient for marriage. Marital maturity, on the other hand, means that individuals getting married will rebuild a family. That is, two people will rebuild a social unit. Since this is a construction activity, a certain level of maturity is required there. Beyond eligibility, competence and maturity are needed.” Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that for all these reasons, marital maturity scales have been developed, adding, “These scales can generate an idea about marital maturity; they have sub-dimensions such as psychological (emotional) dimension, economic dimension, social dimension, and sexual (biological) dimension. Equivalency in this area is very important.” ## **Marriages lacking maturity do not work** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that marital maturity emerges when couples are equivalent in these dimensions, and said, “Therefore, the institution of marriage is no less important than getting a driver's license and driving a car. A driver's license is required to drive a car, and the same should apply to marriage. Random marriages lacking marital maturity largely do not work. Globally, especially in developed countries, the divorce rate in the first 5 years is over 50%, while in Turkey, this rate is 39%.” ## **If commitment forms in marriage, it becomes a safe space** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that individuals with marital maturity can overcome problems, and said, “There are three periods in marriage. The first period is the period of romance. This is a period like a honeymoon, where parties do not see each other's flaws. The romance period usually lasts from a few months to two years. After that, when faced with the realities of life, power struggles and personality conflicts begin. If parties mature during this period or find intelligent solutions, they transition to the period of maturity, which is the period of commitment. Commitment forms in marriage. Then, marriage becomes a safe space. Marriage becomes a sanctuary.” ## **Investment should be made in marriage** Emphasizing that it is necessary to invest in and build marriage to ensure it becomes a sanctuary, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated, “It does not happen just by two people coming together and saying ‘I’m building a construction project’. Serious attention is needed, both individuals must make an effort and dedicate time. They need to overcome the obstacles they will face. To be able to do all this, individuals must act in a planned manner regarding it.” Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that before marriage, the ideal is to ascertain whether the parties have marital maturity and to ensure both sides view the relationship from this perspective, adding, “If they can look at the relationship from that perspective, what happens? That relationship proceeds healthily.” ## **Expecting a storm-free marriage would be nice, but it's not possible…** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that stormy periods can inevitably be experienced in marriages, and said, “Expecting a storm-free marriage would be nice, but it's not possible. Marriage is like a ship leaving port and heading towards its destination. There will be storms and various difficulties along the way. One needs to know how to overcome those difficulties. If one learns and is prepared, it is easily overcome; otherwise, the problem grows. This is similar to taking precautions against diseases. If a person pays attention to hygiene and keeps their immune system strong, their body resists when encountering a microbe and they don't get sick. In a minor jealousy or crisis situation, if the parties know how to cope and produce healthy solutions, the problem resolves itself before it escalates, and thus two people try to learn life.” Tarhan noted that someone lacking marital maturity would try to abandon the ship at the slightest hitch, and stated that the expectation that everything will go smoothly in marriage is wrong, and that it should be known that problems will arise from time to time.** ** ## **There are three important steps in marriage** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the initial meaning attributed to marriage is very important, and said that in this context, in addition to expectations from the other party, one must also be aware of one's own duties and responsibilities. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that there are three steps in marriage, and said, “When I meet people who want to get married, I see that they are always researching what their spouse will be like. Regardless of whether it's a woman or a man, ‘What kind of person should they be?’ The person never considers their own responsibilities. They also need to consider the question, ‘How should I be?’ The first mistake occurs here. If you look at what the other person should do and be like, without looking at what you should do, you will experience the first disappointment in marriage in a short time. For this, the first step in marriage is to know oneself. The second step is to know the other party. And the third step is to know the institution of marriage, that is, the system.” ## **It is necessary to create harmony in marriage** Tarhan stated that there are expectations in marriage, just as in life, but that expectation management must be done correctly, and added the following: “Unrealistic expectations, meaning incorrect expectations, are a cause of crisis. Similarly, there are expectations in marriage. In marriage, there are expectations related to the spouse and to life. Life is not what a person dreams of and wants to live, but what they encounter and experience. Life is not a concept that always goes as one plans. Life is not a concept that a person can decide on alone. In marriage, there is no longer just one person, but two. A person will no longer see with two eyes, but with four eyes. They will not hear with two ears, but with four ears. Such harmony needs to be created. In marriage, couples must be able to remain ‘I’ while becoming ‘we’.” ## **Balance of power is important in marriage** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also pointed out the importance of the balance between couples in marriage, stating, “In marriages where a culture of fear prevails and economic power is with the man, male children sometimes imitate this, and some children are afraid to get married. This is the authoritarian marriage model in patriarchal culture. There should be a co-captaincy system in marriage. In modern marriages, there is joint decision-making and moving forward together. Our culture has found a very beautiful solution for this: it has given the internal functioning to the woman and the external functioning to the man. The woman has been accepted as the internal affairs manager at home and in the family; the woman makes decisions within the house. In financial matters and investment issues, the final decision has been left to the man. There has been such a silent agreement in our culture.” ## **Healthy children grow up in a healthy home** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that healthy children will grow up in a home with healthy relationships and communication, adding, “Without a warm family environment in marriage, healthy children do not grow. Raising healthy, good, and morally upright children is the primary goal of the family. Moral values in children develop through experiences. They develop through shared stories and life scenarios that are created together. The events a child experiences with their father and mother are sown like seeds into their developing soul, planted like life scenarios. When making decisions in later life, they unconsciously shape their own behaviors.” ## **If the family is not healthy, decay begins in society** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the cultural transmission that families used to provide in earlier years is now being done by social media in the postmodern era, and said, “Our children will no longer be our children; they will be the children of social media and popular culture. If precautions are not taken, many cultures may disappear in perhaps 50 years. We are seriously facing the possibility of losing our national identity. The body consists of billions of cells. Society also consists of millions of families. If a cell malfunctions, cancer develops. If the family is not healthy, decay begins in that society. Damage to the family actually means that society is losing blood. The family is the primary institution that teaches values.” ## **The unity of mind and heart is important** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also pointed out the importance of the unity of mind and heart in a healthy marriage, saying, “Starting a journey by car and starting a journey in marriage are not very different. Those who travel by car do not let go of the steering wheel and look at each other. They have a destination, they look to the future, but they want to move together inside the car. Life and marriage are also such a journey. The mind is like the steering wheel of a car. And there's the car's engine. The engine provides power, and the steering wheel provides direction. If there is only an engine and the steering is bad, the car won't go. It will crash into a wall. Or if the steering is good but there's no engine energy, the car still won't move. In other words, these two complement each other, so there must be both mind and heart in marriage.” ## **The greatest need of marriage is dialogue** Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that one of the greatest needs of marriage is dialogue, and said, “The greatest enemy of marriage is stubbornness. Stubbornness stems from selfishness. If a person always says ‘I know,’ they are egocentric. Their biggest characteristic is a lack of empathy. Such individuals cannot read or understand the feelings and needs of the other party. Stubborn individuals cannot see from the other person's perspective; they have sanctified their egos. Therefore, stubbornness and selfishness are enemies of marriage.” --- *Kaynak: [Üsküdar Haber Ajansı](https://uha.com.tr) — https://uha.com.tr/3-important-steps-in-marriage*