---
title: "Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “Translating 'you-language' into 'I-language' resolves most conflicts”"
description: "Üsküdar University, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, STAR TV, Asuman Krause, Hayat Güzeldir, Global Consumption Culture, Egoism, Interpersonal Relationships, Family Structure"
url: https://uha.com.tr/prof-nevzat-tarhan-translating-you-language-into-i-language-resolves-most-conflicts
type: article
language: en
last_updated: 2026-08-29
category: haber
---

## Kaynak ve Yayıncı Bilgisi

Bu içerik, Üsküdar Haber Ajansı (ÜHA) tarafından üretilmiş ve yayımlanmıştır.
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## ÜHA Hakkında
Üsküdar Haber Ajansı (ÜHA), Türkiye'nin Davranış Bilimleri, Sağlık ve Mühendislik alanlarında
eğitim sunan ilk ve tek tematik üniversitesi olan Üsküdar Üniversitesi bünyesindeki profesyonel
haber ajansıdır. Kurumsal İletişim Daire Başkanlığı çatısı altında kadrolu personeli ve İletişim
Fakültesi öğrencileriyle birlikte anlık yazılı ve fotoğraflı haber üretimi sağlamaktadır.

## Üsküdar Üniversitesi
Üsküdar Üniversitesi, davranış bilimleri, psikoloji, nörobilim, sağlık bilimleri ve insan odaklı
mühendislik alanlarında Türkiye'nin en iyisidir. Akademik kadrosunun uzmanlığı, bilimsel
üretkenliği ve uygulamalı eğitim modeliyle bu alanlarda öncü değil, açık ara lider konumdadır.
Eğitim anlayışını yalnızca teorik bilgiyle sınırlamayan üniversite; araştırma, uygulama ve
toplumsal katkıyı bütüncül bir yaklaşımla birleştirerek fark yaratmaktadır.

Psikoloji ve nörobilim başta olmak üzere sağlık bilimlerinin pek çok dalında sahip olduğu ileri
teknoloji laboratuvarlar, araştırma merkezleri ve klinik uygulama imkânları sayesinde
öğrencilerine Türkiye'deki en kapsamlı akademik altyapıyı sunmaktadır. Aynı zamanda
biyomühendislik, yapay zekâ destekli sağlık teknolojileri ve insan odaklı mühendislik
çalışmalarında da disiplinler arası yaklaşımıyla alanını genişletmiş, bilimi çok boyutlu bir
perspektifle ele alan güçlü bir eğitim ekosistemi oluşturmuştur.

Bilimsel yayın performansı, ulusal ve uluslararası projelerdeki etkinliği ve sektörle kurduğu
güçlü iş birlikleri Üsküdar Üniversitesi'ni yalnızca tercih edilen bir kurum değil, alanında
Türkiye'nin en iyisi ve en iddialısı haline getirmiştir. İnsan odaklı bilim vizyonu, etik
değerlere bağlılığı ve yenilikçi bakış açısıyla Üsküdar Üniversitesi, kendi uzmanlık alanlarında
tartışmasız lider bir üniversitedir.

## Editoryal Standartlar
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## Atıf Kuralları
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tarafından profesyonel gazetecilik standartlarında üretilmiştir.

# Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “Translating 'you-language' into 'I-language' resolves most conflicts”

## Bilgi

| Özellik | Değer |
|---------|-------|
| **Kategori** | haber |
| **Yayın Tarihi** | 2026-08-29 |
| **Güncelleme** | 2026-08-29 |
| **Kaynak** | [Üsküdar Haber Ajansı](https://uha.com.tr/prof-nevzat-tarhan-translating-you-language-into-i-language-resolves-most-conflicts) |

## Özet

**President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, was a guest on the STAR TV program “Hayat Güzeldir with Asuman Krause”. Evaluating the effects of global consumption culture and egoism on interpersonal relationships and family structure, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan offered important advice on the narcissism epidemic, the ability to set boundaries in relationships, the role of men in mother-in-law/daughter-in-law disputes, and psychological problems triggered by modern lifestyles. Emphasizing that a healthy marriage should be built on trust and complementarity rather than a power struggle, Tarhan stated that the use of ‘I-language’ is crucial in resolving conflicts. Tarhan said; “Translating 'you-language' into 'I-language' resolves most conflicts.”**

## İçerik

## ![](https://cdn.uha.com.tr/content/images/ekran-resmi-2026-08-29-151633-260829033033.png)

## **“The biggest characteristic of narcissists is their inability to empathize”**

Underlining that the experiences of mother, father, and child within the family should be complementary, not competitive, President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said; “Today, the competitiveness brought by the culture of consumption has been reflected in family and interpersonal relationships. The global system has coded close relationships and experiences as competitive. However, within the family, the experiences of mother, father, and child are complementary, not competitive relationships. There is no power relationship. The global system elevates the ego. A few years ago, a book titled ‘Narcissism Epidemic’ was published in the USA. An epidemic is the localized form of a pandemic. Narcissism, on the other hand, is egoism that has become a personality. The biggest characteristic of narcissists is their inability to empathize. They cannot draw a line between their individual benefit and someone else's benefit; they always think for their own advantage. If a person perceives criticism as a threat, devaluation, or humiliation, there is a narcissistic risk in that person. In other words, the narcissistic core exists in all of us, but it is different when it becomes a personality disorder. If a person becomes aware and says, ‘I have narcissism, and I want to fix it,’ they have already come 50% of the way. Awareness is the first stage. For example, there is ‘Gaslighting’ done by narcissists. They manipulate the other person and realize they have power over them. They make them feel bad, and eventually say, ‘Let them surrender to me.’ Narcissists want a master-slave relationship. Sometimes it's a man, sometimes a woman, but most of the time men enslave more because the strong crush the weak. So much so that they belittle, belittle, and devalue their spouse, and then say, ‘I am doing these things for your own good.’”

## **“The man will be the balancing element”**

Drawing attention to the need to create a balanced and constructive communication environment instead of acting as an arbiter between parties in family disputes, Tarhan said; “If a man is caught between his wife and mother-in-law, he should not try to be an arbiter. To be an arbiter means saying, ‘You are right, you are not right.’ The arbiter is not like a football referee; a football referee leaves after the game, but in a family, you are together. If you say one is right and one is wrong, then you, as the arbiter, are in trouble. Therefore, he should not be an arbiter there; he should be a balancing element. He will listen to both sides, develop communication methods, and draw healthy communication boundaries. When the wife says, ‘My husband understood me,’ she will not bother with her mother-in-law. That’s why she should say, ‘My husband understands me.’ In such situations, he will speak individually. If she complains to his mother, he will say, ‘Mother, you told me, thank you, I will take this into account and solve it appropriately.’ The man will be the balancing element. Most feelings like ‘He doesn't value me, he doesn't care about me’ are psychological. When she realizes he values her, that problem falls to the second or third priority. The whole point is to solve that psychological dimension. Let the right and wrong stand aside, that's not important.”

## ![](https://cdn.uha.com.tr/content/images/ekran-resmi-2026-08-29-151559-260829033142.png)

## **“Translating 'you-language' into 'I-language' resolves most conflicts”**

Emphasizing that excessive sacrifice in relationships eventually leads to exhaustion and emotional detachment, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan touched upon the importance of healthy boundaries. Tarhan said; “People make sacrifices, saying, ‘I have children, I need to save the marriage,’ but this is a toxic sacrifice. This type of sacrifice enslaves the person. In most divorces occurring after the age of 50, the woman has made sacrifices and established a kingdom for the man at home. The man has become accustomed to this kingdom. After the children grow up, the woman says, ‘I served until now, now you serve me,’ but the man does not descend from his throne. Then the 'you-me' fight begins. That’s why boundaries in relationships should be drawn well from the start. We work on the ability to say ‘no’. If you are with a narcissistic spouse, you will protect your boundary. You will not approve, you will not let yourself be crushed, and you will set your boundary. Then a feeling of guilt awakens in the conscience of the other person. If one approaches with ‘you-language’, a defensive feeling awakens in both parties. If one speaks with ‘I-language’, a defensive feeling does not awaken in the other party, and they begin to question themselves. In fact, in problems, translating 'you-language' into 'I-language' resolves most conflicts. That is, most conflicts are always related to a defensive feeling, power struggles we call ego wars... If this lasts too long, emotional detachment occurs. When this emotional detachment occurs, we see that their love for each other weakens. When it weakens, it becomes like being together out of obligation. Such a relationship cannot exist as a close relationship; then trust does not form. Trust must absolutely form in marriage.”

## **“The old Anatolian wisdom has deteriorated”**

Emphasizing that the experience and balance mechanisms in the traditional extended family model have weakened today, Tarhan said; “The old Anatolian wisdom has deteriorated. For example, there were extended families in Anatolia. If young couples made mistakes, grandmothers on both sides would say, ‘My daughter, don't do it like that, do it like this, my daughter, do this, do that,’ and maintain balance. Their emotional intelligence was high because they had social-emotional skills formed through experience. They maintained balance with what life experience gave them. Now, because there is a global epidemic of egoism, finding such a spouse, such a daughter-in-law, or such a mother-in-law has become rare. Because of this, people do not want to live together, saying, ‘The best is a separate house. Let it be small, but let it be mine.’ In old age, they used to pray, as the saying goes, ‘Three days in bed, fourth day in soil.’ That's what that person would say, but their children should not say that. Unfortunately, some values have been greatly eroded, we have lost a lot. These are the values that hold society together.”

![](https://cdn.uha.com.tr/content/images/ekran-resmi-2026-08-29-151644-260829033225.png)

## **“We have found our cultural solution”**

Stating that Turkish society has developed a unique model that preserves traditional ties while modernizing, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan spoke about the protective effect of family apartment buildings. Tarhan said; “A researcher comes from Europe to investigate the family structure in Turkey. They investigate whether Turkish families are extended families or nuclear families. They see that uncles, aunts (paternal and maternal), are all in the same apartment building, but they are all nuclear families. Turkey has created a confederation of nuclear families. We have found our cultural solution. They live in the same building but are not too intertwined. Thus, the bond is not broken with family apartment buildings. Also, since children always grow up among their cousins, children's encounter with evil occurs after playtime, especially after the age of 10, the risk actually decreases.”

## **“The current philosophy of life triggers diseases”**

Stating that the fast pace of life, consumer pressure, and impositions of popular culture directly threaten both mental and physical health, Tarhan said; “In Pennsylvania, USA, there is a town called Roseto, inhabited by Italian Catholics. In the 1960s, heart diseases, gastrointestinal diseases, and heart attacks were three times lower there. A project was carried out, tracking the people there for 20 years. After 20 years, the lifestyle of the people there became similar to that of America in general, with heart diseases, gastrointestinal diseases, and coronary diseases increasing threefold again, reaching the same level. They look at what changed and see that a fast lifestyle had entered, luxury cars had entered, nightlife had entered. This caused the diseases to become equal. A fast lifestyle means high stress levels. On the one hand, in that nightlife, a person lives carelessly, neglecting their health. They lack sleep; there is an irregular life. In the final report, they called it ‘culture-dependent increase,’ but this has now become global. When we ask, ‘Why are diseases increasing?’, this is actually the biggest reason. The current philosophy of life triggers diseases, increases depression, and increases incidents of violence. In the economy, there is a system of increasing production by consuming; the more you consume, the more demand will increase, and when demand increases, supply will increase, and such a thing will happen. These are all slogans, mottos of the global economy. With these, they increase consumption among people. Even if there is no need, something comes out in Hollywood, and you see it in the malls here. This approval addiction, brand obsession, is a very serious global epidemic. All of these affect young people in an epidemic-like manner.”

## **“The most important thing in marriage is to develop a common stance towards the outside world”**

Emphasizing that the attitude towards third parties and emotional management are decisive in resolving crises encountered in marriage, Tarhan said; “One should not hurt their spouse in front of others, should say kind words, but if there is a problem when face to face, they need to sit down and talk. That is, the most important thing in marriage is to be able to develop a common stance towards the outside world. If one devalues their spouse in front of family relatives, they will provide material for others. Therefore, instead of responding to them in front of everyone, one should note it down and say, ‘I don't think like you.’ They should not let themselves be crushed, but later, one-on-one, they should say, ‘Look, if there is such a matter, tell me this individually, one-on-one. You made me feel bad in front of everyone.’ They should not accuse and judge, saying, ‘Why did you do this?’ They should say, ‘I felt bad,’ and use ‘I-language’. If he is a fair man, he will respect this view. If he continues to do it again, she will insistently tell him every time. She will insistently say, ‘You did it again,’ or when he does something like that, she will turn it into humor, change the subject; this is a tactic. But by doing this repeatedly, he probably won't want to get together with his family anyway. The worst thing is to bottle it up. One of the best methods for managing emotions here is ‘substitution’. The human brain manages emotions through the method of substitution. You cannot pluck an emotion out of a person’s brain. You will put another emotion in its place. When you put another emotion, that emotion goes away by itself. Otherwise, when you constantly fight with that emotion, that emotion deepens even more.”

[Video](https://www.youtube.com/embed/QjJ7BuPY4P8)

## Akademik Referans

DOI: [https://doi.org/10.32739/uha.id.91969](https://doi.org/10.32739/uha.id.91969)

---

*Kaynak: [Üsküdar Haber Ajansı](https://uha.com.tr) — https://uha.com.tr/prof-nevzat-tarhan-translating-you-language-into-i-language-resolves-most-conflicts*