Four concepts that keep the family intact

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, President of Üsküdar University, participated in the International Family Fair held in Ankara in collaboration with the Presidency of Religious Affairs and the Türkiye Diyanet Foundation. At the fair, which was held for the first time in Türkiye with the main theme “Family and Goodness,” Tarhan delivered a talk titled “Positive Communication in the Family.” Emphasizing that goodness has an antidepressant effect scientifically, Tarhan noted that open dialogue, empathy, and role sharing are key elements in healthy communication. Pointing out that ego battles and lack of communication lie at the root of family problems, Tarhan stated that maintaining a family is possible through love, compassion, peace, and justice. He also noted that young people need to recognize marriage through proper examples, and that marriage should be presented not as an obligation but as a deep human need.

The talk, held at Ankara ATO Congresium, was moderated by journalist Şaban Özdemir.
A sign language interpreter was also present during the session, which received significant attention from the audience.

Goodness has an antidepressant effect

Speaking under the theme “Positive Communication in the Family” at the International Family Fair, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan first addressed the psychology of goodness. Tarhan said: “Studies on the psychology of goodness have shown that goodness has an antidepressant effect. Especially in the fields of neuroscience and brain research, it has been revealed that even when a person does good to make someone else happy, the areas of the brain associated with happiness in that person also become active. These findings show that goodness has a dual effect. It has positive impacts not only on the recipient but also on the one who performs the good deed. Scientifically, this view has begun to receive strong support. Although social experiments already demonstrated the effect of goodness, its scientific validation has been highly significant. With the rise of materialism and modernism movements beginning in the 1800s, the winds of worldliness blew across societies. During this time, goodness was belittled. Particularly in Eastern cultures, the concept of charitable giving was accused of encouraging laziness. Within the capitalist system, the view that 'doing good increases business costs, do not give alms, do not help anyone' became prevalent. This was actually a savage philosophy, referred to as the philosophy of power. The belief that the strong have the right to crush the weak prevented acts of goodness. In recent years, as scientific evidence opposing this mentality has increased, the value of goodness has once again risen.”

“When role sharing is not clear, conflicts arise”

In the interactive session, Tarhan addressed identity and role development in children: “When we look at developmental stages, with adolescence comes identity confusion. An adolescent asks, 'Who am I? Where should I go? Why?' They seek answers from their parents, environment, and society and begin to form their identity. This identity may be ethnic, religious, social, cultural, or sexual. During adolescence, confusion across all these areas occurs. However, this confusion usually resolves by around the age of 22, and the individual forms a stable identity. We tend to think that children belong to their parents, but in reality, they belong to their time. Especially after the age of ten, when a child begins to think abstractly, the shaping influence of parents weakens. When role sharing is not clear, conflicts emerge. Just as in a building without defined boundaries where one cannot tell who entered where, social boundaries in relationships must be clear. Social rules must be explicit. A person is kept in balance by three types of norms: legal norms, which are defined by law; social norms, which are formed through customs and traditions; and moral norms, which are guided by conscience. Are we teaching children a moral code of virtue or not? This is important. If children are taught virtuous morality, they do not experience role confusion. But if moral values and standards based on these values are not developed, there will be no clear relational standards, and role confusion will intensify.”

“Without open communication, trust cannot develop”

Tarhan emphasized the need for accurate role sharing: “When an oil droplet is in a dish, it adds flavor, but when it stains your clothes, it is unpleasant. When something is out of place, it creates a problem. For instance, in the workplace, one must stand upright and maintain dignity. This is necessary for workplace discipline. But at home, one cannot act like a boss. At home, you must be a father. If you act like a boss at home, it becomes arrogance. The same attitude that reflects dignity at work turns into arrogance at home. This is role confusion. Take the changes in the role of fatherhood… At home, you are a father but also a spouse. One of the most common problems in male-female relationships is the expectation of a master-servant dynamic. This is particularly pronounced in narcissistic personalities, regardless of gender. One side demands obedience, while the other submits entirely. This is a master-servant relationship. In such relationships, due to the lack of open communication, there can be no trust. One party is always oppressed. The strong dominate the weak, and these relationships breed unhappiness. This again stems from faulty role distribution. The role of a spouse is confused with that of a businessperson, and parental roles are mixed with those of children. Roles shift and conflict, leading to dysfunctional relationships.”

A global project aiming to dismantle the family

Speaking about the efforts of global capital to weaken the family, Tarhan said: “Issues surrounding sexual identity have turned into a large-scale global project. This is a project specifically designed to undermine the family, backed by global capital. This is not just a sociological issue but also a socio-economic one. The capitalist system has shaped a strategy to govern the world by reducing the global population. This project aims to obscure gender identities. Scientifically, there are three types of gender. First is biological gender, which refers to genetic male or female characteristics. Second is psychological gender, the way one experiences their gender internally. Third is social gender, the roles assigned by society. A large-scale genetic study conducted between 2017 and 2019 on 477,000 individuals was published in the journal Nature. Conducted by universities including Oxford, Harvard, and institutions in Australia, the study revealed that there is no genetic basis for what is called a third gender. We translated this research into a book and published it under our university press titled The Destructive Impact of Transgender Ideology. Those leading this project no longer use the terms male and female. They say 'Q,' but even the Q concept is no longer sufficient. They define everything as a gender. They present gender equality as biological equality. However, this is a very insidious plan. In reality, gender equality in society means equality in rights and opportunities. That is justice. No one can oppose that. In our faith, too, there is no stance against equality in rights and opportunities. Therefore, this is not merely a cultural movement or a product of modernity. It is a planned and structured system. It is a global project aimed at dismantling and destroying the family. We must be aware of this and approach it with such consciousness.”

“A society cannot be built without building the family first”

Describing how modernism has affected relationships, Tarhan said: “Currently, relationships are very superficial. Modernism and the capitalist system are rapidly consuming relationships. Therefore, I have reflected on the concept of love within the family. The Qur’an refers to four concepts regarding family: mawaddah, rahmah, sakinah, and justice. First is mawaddah, a type of love in the Qur’an that contains deep devotion. When love is combined with cooperation, trust emerges. If there is trust, mawaddah forms. However, as lies and infidelity have increased in relationships today, trust has weakened. Hence, mawaddah is no longer formed. The second concept is rahmah, which is a compassion that refrains from hurting the other person. It includes empathy. The third concept is sakinah, meaning tranquility and peace. What is now referred to as 'authentic happiness' actually corresponds to sakinah. The environment that provides this peace is the child’s greatest source of security. The fourth concept is justice. The other three concepts were revealed during the Meccan period, while justice was revealed in the Medinan period. This shows us that Islam first builds the family through faith and love, and then introduces rules. However, today we begin directly with rules. Whereas first, a safe and loving family environment should be established. A society cannot be built without building the family first.”

“At the root of family problems lie ego battles”

Stating that selfishness and worldliness have made relationships superficial, Tarhan said: “Currently, digital tools and smartphones are like open doors in homes. Families are now completely exposed to the outside world. However, the family should be the final refuge. Therefore, every mother and father must be the main actor in the child’s life. It is not society but parents who should raise the child. A child’s heroes should be the mother and father. If this is ensured, even if the child makes a mistake, they can recover, because there is a secure relationship at home. At the root of family problems are usually ego battles. Where there is egoism, relationships lack depth. To go deeper, a person must transcend themselves, engage in self-criticism, and gain impartial insight. In the modern age, physical appearance has been sanctified while depth has been sidelined. We are paying the cultural and social cost of this. Eating disorders, suicides, and narcissistic behaviors have increased. The book The Narcissism Epidemic, published in the United States, reveals that especially after the rise of social media, there has been a significant increase in narcissism among adolescents. Today, two major issues are making relationships superficial: selfishness and worldliness, that is, secularism. A life focused solely on the worldly. In this understanding, there is no sense of accountability. When a person makes a mistake, they cannot correct it with good intentions alone; what protects them is not sincerity, but accountability. We all have a dark part inside us. This is called the nafs. Otto Kernberg refers to it as the 'bad part'. Initially, psychoanalysis rejected the presence of evil within humans, as it was born in reaction to the church. The church regarded humans as inherently sinful and purified them through baptism. Islam, however, sees humans as blank slates. Both good and bad can be written on them.”

“Without empathy, healthy communication is not possible”

Tarhan explained that communication within the family is divided into three types: “The first is healthy communication. In this type, both sides solve problems through dialogue, and there is open communication. The second is conflictual communication. There may be arguments and tension, but at least communication continues. The third is non-communication, which is the most dangerous. From the outside, everything may seem fine, but in reality, both sides live within their own inner worlds. Problems are not discussed, and there is no sharing. This is a point where the relationship silently heads toward disconnection. This is what we call the pathology of non-communication. Even conflictual communication is better than non-communication because there is still effort and an intention to fix things. In couples who seek therapy, we first look to see whether there is goodwill and love. If love exists at the core, problems can be resolved. We then analyze certain communication issues. Is there mind-reading? Does one side assume something the other has not even considered and react accordingly? This is very common. Is there intention-reading? Are there thoughts like, 'He did that on purpose' or 'She said that to hurt me'? These lead to conflict. Are there unrealistic expectations? If expectations are too high, we try to bring them to a more reasonable level. This often eases the relationship. Is there avoidance of closeness? That is also a serious issue. If people avoid emotional or physical closeness, it leads to distance in the relationship along with non-communication. At this point, we try to create shared areas of interest for couples. Everyone can have individual interests, but what keeps the relationship alive is finding common ground. In all these processes, empathy plays a key role. Without empathy, healthy communication is not possible.”

There can also be false parenting...

Highlighting that our minds are under occupation, Tarhan said: “Instead of remaining silent in protest in the digital world, we should focus on how we can use digital platforms for the benefit of humanity. Our minds are under occupation. First, we must lift this mental occupation. Let us think about how we can convey the truths of the Qur’an and the universal values of Islam using the language and vision of this era. As Mehmet Akif said, if we can explain it in a language that addresses the understanding of this time, the internet can serve our ideals. For this, we must become people of cause. There are fundamental differences between people of cause and those who are not, between a true spiritual guide and a false one, and between a real leader and a false one. If a leader binds people to themselves, they are a false leader. But if they bind people to a cause, they are a true leader. If a spiritual guide connects people to God, they are authentic. But if they bind people to themselves, they are a false guide. Likewise, if a parent wants the child to be bound to them personally — for instance, saying 'I want them to love me and stay attached to me' — that is false parenting. True parenting is enabling the child to connect with their Creator, with God. Because at the top of the hierarchy of love lies divine love. Without this, a child cannot feel part of a greater meaning. As a result, when the interest-based relationship with the parent ends, the child may easily remove them from their life. Because their conscience is underdeveloped. A child establishing a connection with God makes them part of a greater purpose. We see that there are also false versions of motherhood, fatherhood, and leadership. We examine whether money is counterfeit or not, but we do not question whether a person is genuine or fake. Yet this is the most dangerous issue. Most people wear masks. The number of genuine, sincere people who are the same inside and out is very low. That is the kind of time we live in. Therefore, we need to touch the hearts of those who are heartbroken. Those people are searching for real human beings. They are looking for sincere people. That is why we must build heartfelt, transparent, honest, and open relationships. Only in this way can we create depth within people.”

Why do young people not want to get married?

Emphasizing the importance of balancing freedom and responsibility in marriage, Tarhan said: “One of the main reasons young people do not want to marry today is because they see the family as a burden. In the past, cultural transmission was carried out through the family, but now the internet, social media, and digital platforms have taken on this role. As a result, the family is no longer seen as a value but as a structure that restricts freedom. Moreover, in the current era, the concept of freedom is confused with irresponsibility. This has led to a significant shift in the perception of marriage. Marriage is a responsibility, but young people fear both this responsibility and the burdens marriage brings, so they avoid it. Continuously pressuring young people by asking, 'Why are you not getting married?' is not a solution. Instead, we need to cultivate a sense of need for marriage within them. For example, one of the greatest benefits of marriage is that it alleviates the feeling of loneliness. Nothing can replace a quality partnership. If a young person sees a good example of marriage in their environment, they will recognize this need and approach marriage more positively. Today, many young people realize that relationships outside of marriage are fake. When they experience the superficiality of those relationships, they may eventually say, 'This is not right,' and turn toward marriage. In conclusion, marriage is not an obligation but a structure that, if presented correctly, can be felt as a need. We need to explain this to young people using the right language and proper examples.”

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)