Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “A person can learn to express even the harshest or most difficult thing in the kindest way”

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, attended the Year of Kindness Launch Event organized by Timaş Publishing House. Speaking on the topic “The Importance of Kindness in the Family,” Prof. Tarhan emphasized that kindness is a form of respect that contains empathy. He noted that true kindness involves knowing one’s boundaries both toward oneself and others, adding that a person can learn to express even the harshest or most difficult thing in the kindest way.

The talk, moderated by Mehmet Çapkan, was held at the Timaş headquarters as part of the Year of Kindness activities.

“Kindness is a form of respect that includes empathy”

Emphasizing that respect is at the core of kindness, Prof. Tarhan said: “Respect means knowing boundaries in human relationships. One may show respect, but sometimes that respect comes from fear. Kindness, on the other hand, is a form of respect that contains empathy. It means not wanting to hurt others, avoiding injustice, and having the ability to read others’ emotions. Therefore, kindness is a value that must be instilled in children from an early age, especially in peer relationships. What we call peer kindness is knowing boundaries among friends. The point is not only to behave politely toward others but also to define social boundaries properly. This is true kindness. A person should also be kind to themselves because we have rights toward ourselves too. One must know their limits both toward themselves and toward others. The kindness one shows to oneself and to others should be seen as a whole. Being overly compliant or allowing oneself to be trampled in the name of kindness does not align with true kindness. In psychiatry, this is called a self-sacrifice schema. People who constantly act kindly and compassionately may experience compassion fatigue over time and emotionally exhaust themselves. To avoid this, one must be fair and balanced both to themselves and to others. A person who can feel kindness toward themselves behaves thoughtfully not only toward their own identity but also toward others. The concept of kindness, as expressed in English, has weakened globally. Yet, a person can learn to express even the harshest or most unpleasant thing in the kindest way possible.”

“Beware of those who play the role of being modest”

Prof. Tarhan warned that hidden arrogance can sometimes lie beneath excessive politeness: “People who have limited social contact or who live in isolation often perceive kindness as weakness. However, kindness is one of the main pillars of humility, which is a core virtue in our culture. There are people who enter a room shouting and silencing everyone. In reality, they do this to mask their sense of inadequacy. Since they cannot respond calmly, they try to dominate through fear, which takes them further from kindness. Others behave with excessive politeness and flattery to prevent possible criticism. That is why one must be cautious of people who act overly polite or constantly bow when speaking. Beneath this attitude may lie hidden arrogance. Such individuals are not truly humble; they merely act the part. This type of politeness is insincere because they show kindness to the powerful but act oppressively toward the weak.

Global culture has amplified this problem because it glorifies power. It teaches that ‘the strong survive.’ The modern capitalist system reinforces this idea and weakens kindness and respect. One major reason for this is the culture of comparison. Everyone constantly compares themselves to others. This leads people to feel inadequate even when they are not. Out of this sense of inadequacy, they try to dominate others, which ultimately results in communication conflicts.”

“The human self is nourished by social approval”

Drawing attention to the cycle of bullying, Prof. Tarhan explained: “If there is bullying in the family, elders bully the children, and children in turn bully those who are younger or weaker. In this cycle, a person can be both bully and victim. A child who is victimized may resort to aggression against someone more vulnerable. When unkindness becomes physical, it turns destructive and deeply hurtful, going beyond rudeness into outright cruelty. It is normal for adolescents to behave roughly at times, but it must not become part of their personality. Parents should not approve of such behavior but guide it correctly. They should say, ‘At this age, such reactions may occur, but you need to understand they are wrong.’ However, yelling at a child or intimidating them too much harms their self-confidence and self-esteem. The human sense of self is nourished by social approval. Recognition, praise, and positive feedback strengthen a person’s self-respect. Conversely, constant criticism makes a child feel worthless. Feeling worthless, the child may either seek to dominate others or resort to lies and exaggeration to appear different. Therefore, when we assess family dynamics, we look for whether there is a model of anger at home. If one of the parents constantly displays anger, the child adopts it as a method. They observe, learn, and imitate it.”

“Respect is a value that must be learned”

Sharing examples from Anatolian wisdom, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said: “When a father praises the mother in her absence, and the mother also speaks well of the father when he is not around, the child thinks, ‘My parents get along well.’ The child realizes that their parents speak positively about each other behind their backs, which feels genuine. These compliments must be sincere and realistic, not artificial. For example, the father may say, ‘Look, your mother cooked for us again, she is so selfless and does so much for us.’ The mother may say, ‘Your father works so hard for us.’ This is an important teaching rooted in Anatolian wisdom. Elders give such advice to teach children to respect their parents. Respect is a learned value. It goes hand in hand with kindness. In fact, kindness is even broader than respect because it contains empathy. Likewise, compassion is greater than love, as it includes both affection and empathy. Love can sometimes be reciprocal or based on expectation, but compassion is selfless. Unconditional love includes empathy, accepting others as they are. That is true compassion. Compassion is greater than love, and kindness is greater than respect. All of these are learned values.”

“What we do is important, but how we do it matters even more”

Prof. Tarhan emphasized that a lack of kindness prevents problem-solving: “The secret to managing anger lies in the firefighter model. When there is a fire, firefighters first extinguish it, then cool it down, and only afterward investigate the cause. When a person becomes angry, a similar fire ignites in their mind. The first step is to postpone the anger. In that moment, one should change the setting or topic and give themselves time. After the flames of anger subside, they should ask, ‘Why did I get angry? Which of my principles was violated?’ Then they can calmly say, ‘So this is why I got upset,’ and evaluate the situation. In doing so, a person learns emotional self-management. This is a skill that can be developed through conscious effort. Once a person learns to control anger, they can solve problems more effectively. Otherwise, lack of kindness blocks resolution. There is a big difference between handing something to someone while saying ‘Here you go’ and angrily throwing it at them. In life, it is not only what we do but how we do it that matters. The same applies in law: being right is not enough. If you do not file a case on time, let’s say, on the 60th day, you lose, even if you are right. You lose your right. The same rule applies in relationships. It is not enough to be right; you must also act at the right time and in the right manner.”

“Be right, but be kind too”

Prof. Tarhan noted that silence is a form of richness: “If a medicine that must be given intravenously is administered orally, it does not work. If one that should be given orally is given intravenously, it kills. Lack of kindness is similar, it shows a lack of understanding of the right method. What you do matters, but how you do it matters even more. People often say, ‘I am right,’ with good intentions, but being right alone is not enough. Be right, but be kind too. Kindness is a kind of richness and sometimes silence itself is richness. For a person who has mastered this, the rule is simple: either speak beautifully or remain silent. If you cannot speak kindly, leave the room. Mature personalities either speak politely or stay quiet. Shouting at someone who refuses to understand has no value.”

“There can be no fair sharing where there is dishonesty”

Emphasizing that disrespect grows where there is no trust within the family, Prof. Tarhan said: “Let’s say a child learns to solve problems by lying. In that case, it becomes very difficult to teach kindness to that child. A person who lies learns that ‘It is acceptable to lie to achieve a goal.’ The next step is ‘It is acceptable to deceive others to achieve a goal,’ and later, ‘It is acceptable to bully others to achieve a goal.’ Such people are often victims of violence at some point in their lives. They have witnessed violence, internalized it, and made it part of their behavior. What we want instead is for the family to be a safe environment. If there is no safety at home, unkindness and even violence become inevitable. A person who does not feel safe cannot sleep peacefully, cannot turn their back, and cannot relax. For a sense of safety to exist, there must be fair sharing, and fair sharing requires honesty. Where there is deceit, there can be no justice, no trust. As Imam al-Ghazali beautifully said, ‘If you gathered all evils into a single room, the door would be opened by lies and arrogance.’ Indeed, lies open the door to all evils.”

“Every event can become a learning opportunity if handled correctly”

Touching on the concept of teachable moments between parents and children, Prof. Tarhan explained: “Sometimes a child wants to help their mother and accidentally drops and breaks a vase. The first reaction is usually, ‘I did not do it.’ This is a child’s instinctive defensive lie, and it is natural because they have not yet learned the difference between truth and falsehood. However, many parents respond with, ‘You broke the vase and now you’re lying too! I will punish you!’ This teaches nothing but fear.

The right approach would be, ‘It’s clear that you broke the vase, but there is a bigger mistake here.’ The phrase ‘You lied’ should be avoided; labeling a child as a liar should never be done. Instead, say, ‘You said something that was not true.’ What does the child learn from this? First, they understand that their mother still loves and values them. Second, they learn that honesty is important in this household. That is what we call a teachable moment. Every situation can become an educational opportunity if handled properly. Instead of reacting instantly, a parent should think, ‘How can I turn this incident into a developmental opportunity for my child?’ Every event can become a means of growth.”

“Lack of compassion is increasing”

Prof. Tarhan added that every event offers a chance to learn: “Today’s so-called Generation Z can be self-centered and comfort-oriented, yet they are also charming and freedom-loving. They expect to be valued and respected. The first step in communicating with adolescents is making them feel valued. Once social acceptance and recognition are established, the next step is to communicate with logic and reasoning. If persuasion does not work, it can help to write down the problem and discuss it collaboratively. For example, if a classroom is noisy, you might say, ‘Everyone write down the problem, put it in a jar, and we will draw lots to find solutions. Do not write your names, just describe the problem.’ This approach turns every challenge into a learning opportunity and transforms conflict into constructive experience. We can also draw an important lesson from a Hadith. The Prophet warned that in the end times, Satan would target the youth. How can we recognize this? The Prophet said, ‘You will know it by the loss of modesty and mercy.’ Here, modesty does not refer to sexuality but to politeness, respect, and decency. The lack of mercy refers to cruelty. Unfortunately, we are witnessing a rise in these traits today, which can be seen as signs of the end times. Ultimately, when raising children, it is essential to allow them freedom, make them feel valued, create horizontal partnerships, and turn conflicts into learning opportunities. These are the foundations of healthy and secure psychological development.”