Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that love directly affects the brain’s decision-making mechanisms and suppresses logical reasoning: “Where love surges, reason suddenly falls into the background. In a state of love, the emotional brain becomes excited and suppresses the logical brain.”

Saying, “There is no such thing as perfect love,” Prof. Tarhan added:
“You must accept the person you love as they are. If you say, ‘I will accept them by changing them,’ you will lose love again. Being in love is not staring into each other’s eyes but looking together toward a common goal.”

On whether a person can be in love with two different people at the same time, Prof. Tarhan explained: “This is not new love; it is entering a new adventure. Love can only be sustainable if there is honesty.”

President of Üsküdar University Prof. Tarhan evaluated the topic of love and new terms on his program “Akla Ziyan with Nevzat Tarhan” broadcast on EKOTÜRK.

Love affects the brain’s decision-making mechanisms

He explained how love influences brain function: “Where love surges, reason suddenly falls into the background. The frontal brain, like a captain’s bridge, balances the emotional brain and the sensory brain. But in love, the emotional brain surges and suppresses the logical brain. The frontal brain, which acts as the captain’s bridge in decision-making, struggles to make healthy decisions in such cases.”

At the peak of love, there is a ‘neurological silence’ in the brain

Prof. Tarhan noted that when love reaches its peak, a special state called “neurological silence” emerges in the brain: “In studies on the brain of a person in love, after experiencing peak love, neurological silence occurs. Neurological silence means the brain suddenly letting go. It feels as though all problems have been solved, all needs met, and the person enters a state of flying, with immense relaxation and relief.”

“We would hospitalize Leyla and Mecnun”

Referring to the legendary love story of Leyla and Mecnun, defined as “love to the death,” Prof. Tarhan said that modern psychiatry would view it as a disorder: “If Leyla and Mecnun lived today, we would admit them to a psychiatric clinic. Because their love was pathological. By today’s standards of love, they were in love to the death. If such a love appeared, with psychiatric treatment we would block the chemicals of love in their brains. Pathological love could have been transformed into healthy love, and treatment would be possible.”

Mature love contributes to human life

Prof. Tarhan stressed that when managed correctly, love can evolve into “mature love” and make a tremendous contribution to life: “If we define the love we experience within the concept of mature love, that love becomes like nuclear energy for us. It mobilizes us, becomes a source of motivation. When we manage the hormones of love correctly, love gives a person incredible energy, movement, and pleasure 24 hours a day.”

He also touched on the etymology of the word “aşk” (love), reminding that it comes from the root meaning “to cling blindly” like ivy, highlighting both its constructive and destructive potential.

Secure attachment: the key to lasting love

Analyzing the psychological foundations of love and relationships, Prof. Tarhan explained that the fate of a relationship is largely determined by individuals’ “attachment styles.” He emphasized that secure attachment is the key to lasting love, while wrong attachment models harm relationships.

Describing the dilemma faced by people with an avoidant attachment style, Prof. Tarhan said: “If someone’s attachment style is avoidant, they may love the person deeply, even to death, but when they are together, they let them go. There are two reasons for this: fear of rejection and realizing that the excitement of love fades after union. After attaining the beloved, the passion dies out.”

“Sustainable love” exists

Answering the question, “Can love transform?” with “Yes,” Prof. Tarhan said that popular so-called “sustainable love” does exist and even has a formula. He explained: “Love is the peak experience of affection. Love plus good cooperation equals sustainable love. The whole formula lies in establishing good cooperation. You see goodwill, they love each other, it starts with love, but after a while, ego wars begin, and personality wars begin. The thing that distances love the most from sustainability is ego wars.”

Prof. Tarhan concluded by adding that deep and lasting love also contains elements such as friendship and trust. He referred to this profound love, called “meveddet” in cultural codes, as a feeling that requires constant emotional investment, just like feeding a fire.

The secret of love at first sight

Emphasizing that the intense attraction known as “love at first sight” is a neurological reality, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said: “This is a neurological fact. When a person encounters certain other people’s brains, communication begins, but not between the individuals, but between their brains. Neurobiological research shows that emotional mirror neurons in the brain ‘talk’ in such situations. When goodwill and sincerity are added to love, they activate the mirror neurons in the other person’s brain. Loves lacking goodwill and sincerity are generally erotic loves.”

The trap of “love bombing”

Prof. Tarhan warned against “Love Bombing,” a dangerous method especially used by manipulative personalities and those he describes as “hunters.” He explained that these people exploit the need for love in others to trap them.

“Hunter men offer romance but want eroticism. Hunter women offer eroticism but want romance. These people sense that the other person desperately needs to be loved, and they bombard them with love, that is, what they call ‘love bombing.’ They show excessive attention and approach with unbelievably exaggerated praise,” Prof. Tarhan said, adding that individuals who did not receive enough appreciation or praise in childhood are especially vulnerable to this trap.

Describing the cycle of manipulation, Prof. Tarhan explained: “The person who falls into this trap becomes attached. Once they are bound, the manipulator suddenly withdraws attention. After that, the victim begins to chase. The more they chase, the more the manipulator humiliates them, devalues them, and says, ‘Without me, you are nothing.’ They exploit emotions to establish a master-slave relationship.”

Set emotional boundaries, and narcissists will respect them

Prof. Tarhan emphasized that many relationship problems stem from seeing a partner not as an individual but as an “extension” of oneself, comparing this dynamic to a master-slave relationship. He underlined the need to set healthy boundaries from the very beginning against narcissistic tendencies, and reminded that responsibility does not lie solely with one side.

He elaborated: “The spouse is treated like an appendage, that is, expected to lie down when told ‘lie down,’ to get up when told ‘get up.’ Most of the time, this isn’t done deliberately, but simply as part of character. If you fail to set healthy boundaries from the start, you will become enslaved. We must not put all the blame on narcissists. If you draw your emotional boundaries well, the narcissist will know their limits. They may get angry, but they will respect you, and a balance of love and respect can be established.”

Managing love is like managing the brain’s pharmacy

Delving into the neuropsychological foundations of love, Prof. Tarhan explained that the intense initial feeling comes from the brain’s release of large amounts of dopamine.

He described the effects of this hormone and the next stage of love as follows: “In the feeling of love, the brain secretes tremendous amounts of dopamine at first. Dopamine has two properties: it gives immense pleasure and immense focus. A person becomes unable to think of anything else. If the person assigns meaning to their love, serotonin becomes involved. Beyond that, oxytocin, the bonding hormone in women, and vasopressin, the success and ownership hormone in men, are secreted. In fact, managing love is like managing the pharmacy inside our brain.”

“Let’s not see love as a threat, but as a crisis to manage”

Highlighting love’s power to deactivate logic, Prof. Tarhan suggested viewing it not as a threat but as a “crisis” to be managed. Stressing the importance of preparation, he advised:
“Let’s not see love as a threat, but as a crisis. Because crises have both a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. For this extraordinary situation in our lives, we need to have a crisis plan. If you focus only on pleasure, you will destroy love with your own hands.”

Does “perfect love” exist?

Prof. Tarhan stated that the search for “perfect love” means losing from the start, stressing that realistic expectations and shared goals are essential for a sustainable relationship. eferring to Mevlana’s compass metaphor, he summarized the formula for healthy love: “There is no perfect love. We must accept this. You must accept the person you love as they are. If you say, ‘I will accept them by changing them,’ you will lose love again. Being in love is not staring into each other’s eyes, but looking together toward a common goal. Mevlana gave the example of the compass: one foot should be in reality, the other in idealism. A relationship unafraid of reality produces sustainable love.”

Finally, Prof. Tarhan noted that especially loves experienced before the age of 22 tend to be more like “obsessive infatuation,” and that many people experience unrequited or traumatic love in their lives, describing this as a natural and human process.

Love experiences as teachers

Emphasizing the importance of setting healthy boundaries in relationships against controlling and narcissistic personalities, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan noted that stormy love affairs can turn into teachers that help people grow.

“Every love experience is a teacher,” said Prof. Tarhan. “It teaches something to the individual, and one can come out of it emotionally stronger. We call these kinds of emotional traumas ‘developmental traumas.’ They strengthen, they develop, they make you learn. Either you learn to manage emotions, or emotions manage you. Once a person learns to manage their emotions, they won’t hit rock bottom in life, and they can always rise back to the surface. The real misfortune is never having experienced love at all.”

Letting go as a sign of growth

Comparing true love to the transformation of combustible hydrogen and explosive oxygen into life-giving water, Prof. Tarhan explained: “Hydrogen and oxygen are free in the atmosphere, that is, one is combustible, the other explosive. But when they come together, they turn into water, which extinguishes fire and becomes a source of life. Their freedom disappears, but they transform into another form of life, a source of vitality. In the same way, as lovers give up their imagined ideals and qualities in their partners, love matures into real love. The act of letting go is a sign of growth.”

Love without empathy is selfish

Prof. Tarhan stressed that empathy is the fundamental element for love to mature. He pointed out that the best Turkish equivalent of empathy is the word insaf (a sense of fairness and compassion): “A person who has insaf does not see life only from their own perspective but also from the other person’s. They look at it as 50% me, 50% them. Love that includes empathy transforms into mature love. Love without empathy, however, is selfish and leads to heartbreak.”

The danger of platonic loves

Addressing the risks of unrequited and platonic loves, Prof. Tarhan stated that in such cases, a person is not in love with the actual individual but with the ideal they have created in their mind. He warned that this can turn into a pathological condition requiring treatment: “These people love the idea of love itself, or the feeling that love awakens in them. They hypnotize themselves and create a false world. This turns into an autistic way of living. Brain imaging shows that such individuals secrete excessive stress hormones, and these cases may require medication or even hospitalization.”

Preventing breakups from becoming trauma

Prof. Tarhan underlined the importance of placing a breakup within a rational framework and saying farewell: “If a person frames a breakup logically, they can store it in distant memory. Those who cannot do this fail to say goodbye and cannot separate. To prevent the end of love from being traumatic, there is a period of pain. If this pain lasts longer than 6–8 weeks, it is a condition that requires treatment.”

Can a man love two women at the same time?

Finally, Prof. Tarhan addressed the question of whether a man can romantically love two women at once: “It is not realistic. That is not a new love, but it is an attempt to embark on a new adventure. Love can only be sustainable if there is honesty. A relationship must be defined: are you verbally committed, engaged, or married? An undefined relationship causes both sides to feel ‘disposable,’ making them vulnerable to trauma.”

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)