Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "The perfect family is the one that makes the best use of what it has"

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made remarkable evaluations in the May issue of Diyanet Family Magazine on the theme of “Preserving Human Nature and the Family.” In the interview featured in the magazine’s “We Asked the Expert” section, Tarhan emphasized that the perfect family is the one that utilizes its resources in the best possible way. Stressing that motherhood and fatherhood mean preparing a child for life, Tarhan stated that quality togetherness at home is very important. Prof. Nevzat Tarhan also noted that if there is a zone of trust within the family, then a child will not turn out badly, and even if they do, they will eventually correct their mistakes.

Published monthly by Diyanet Publications, the May issue of Diyanet Family Magazine also featured Prof. Nevzat Tarhan.

Here is the full articlec of the interview conducted by Esma Türkseven with Tarhan:

Rapid social change and advances in scientific and technological developments have altered not only people’s worldviews but also their value systems.

Undoubtedly, one of the institutions most affected by this change is the family, a fundamental unit of social structure. The problems brought by the modern world have weakened the bonds between family members and, over time, have caused harm to the institution of the family. This situation necessitates an approach to the family that is comprehensive and scientific. We asked Prof. Nevzat Tarhan about the challenges facing the institution of the family today and his suggestions for solutions.

What might be the potential threats and crises the family could face today, considering both the advantages and disadvantages of contemporary opportunities and tools?

What I observe right now is a decay in the concept of the family. I see three main reasons for this. The first is the shift in the philosophy of life brought by modernism. This shift sees life merely as a worldly existence. There is a pleasure-centered, hedonistic philosophy. People make decisions based on what benefits them or what they enjoy, including decisions about marriage. When deciding on marriage, individuals no longer ask, “Will I be able to take a meaningful life journey with this person? Will this relationship expand and nurture my soul? Will it bring me peace?” Instead, they ask, “Will this person meet my needs?” This is purely a utilitarian mindset. In fact, there is global narcissism, and its consequences have reflected onto the family. The concept of family has changed.

In the United States, the idea that “We do not need the family” has been institutionalized. Open marriages have been formed. What is an open marriage? The partners are married, but both have other romantic relationships. This does not work in the long run. The heaviest burden falls on the children. Currently, the marriage rate is below fifty percent, and the rates of divorce and children born out of wedlock are over fifty percent. Europe, Northern Europe, and the United States are experiencing a serious crisis regarding family. The global population is being negatively affected. Perhaps this was the intended goal all along. When we look at the funding allocated to the United Nations Population Planning Fund, we see that funds opposing gender roles are being supported. This damages the family greatly.

The second reason is the changing definitions of motherhood, fatherhood, and spousal roles. There are six roles in a household: mother, father, spouse, woman, man, and child. The child is also a role. Currently, male and female roles have changed. The authoritarian woman role and the feminine-behaving man role are becoming globalized. Our values and standards regarding the family have changed. As a result, male and female roles have clashed. If a man accepts only the role of a businessman and a woman accepts only the role of a career woman or professional, the roles of mother and father are neglected. The roles of working women and housewives are becoming blurred. This role confusion also harms the family.

The third reason for the change in the family is the disruption of the epigenetic mechanisms that protect the family. The epigenetics taught by our ancient culture are either innate or come from the environment. If environmental influences are not practiced, they atrophy and disappear. If practiced, they can last for two or three generations. Epigenetic transmissions have changed over the past century in parallel with global transformation. Cultural transmission is now performed not by the family but by social and digital media. As a result, people are losing their epigenetic gains. Statements such as “We are a strong society, we are a family-oriented nation, nothing can harm us” become mere slogans.

-Today, as mothers and fathers, one of the most challenging issues we face may be adapting to the digital world and maintaining a healthy relationship with our children. How should we understand the much-discussed concepts of digital natives and digital immigrants?

Generations born after 1990 are digital natives because they were born into the digital world. Generations born before 1990 are digital immigrants. They learned digital tools later. If they are open to innovation, they can close the gap, but they can never quite become like natives. Technology itself is inherently neutral. If used for good, it serves good purposes; if used for bad, it serves bad purposes. Digital technology is like airplanes, cars, electricity, or printing presses. Opposing digitalization today is like opposing a flood. If we take precautions, it will not destroy us. If we are unprepared, it will. If we do not build dams or live in flood zones, it will destroy us. Therefore, those who are prepared should not fear digitalization. Whether native or immigrant, these are the realities of our time. People are negatively affected by digital life because they have changed their philosophy of life.

We have an innate brain program. Cognitive psychology views the brain like a computer. The brain has electrical circuits and chemical transmissions. That is its hardware. There is also the information circulating within it, that is the software. There is a built-in software program in our brains from birth. One of these programs is the biological clock. Our brain functions on a 24.5-hour cycle, according to the lunar rhythm. These programs are part of a shared genome across humanity. It is necessary to act in accordance with these programs. When one does not, there is a price to pay.

Neurobiology has confirmed this: The brains of people who chase pleasure function with dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical of pleasure, the pleasure molecule. But the brains of people who pursue meaning secrete serotonin, the happiness molecule. We must give young people a purpose, that is, something they will strive for, make sacrifices for, and endure hardship for. Human beings are the only creatures capable of generating meaning. Digitalization has not made it harder to invest in life and meaning; on the contrary, it has made it easier. Therefore, if we do not lose our search for meaning, we should not fear digitalization. We should use digital tools for our intended purpose.

- The responsibility of being the vicegerent on earth begins for a human being from the moment they are created. As long as life continues, each new role undertaken by a person brings new responsibilities. Such as forming a family, becoming a mother or father… Based on this, I would like to ask: What kind of responsibility does becoming a parent bring to a person?

Nothing can replace the mother during the zero to three-year age period. There must be the mother or a person who assumes the role of the mother and can provide a relationship of trust. If trust cannot be established, that child does not grow up healthily. Since the growth hormone is not secreted, children do not feel safe. If the sense of trust does not develop, the child cannot step into life and lives with fear. They fall ill frequently. Sudden deaths occur. This is known as “institutional syndrome.”

The greatest seeds planted in a developing soul are found in the mother-child relationship. That period is from zero to three years of age. Of course, the father is also undoubtedly important. The mother primarily plants seeds of love, while the father plants seeds related to trust. The child sees the mother and father as heroes until about the age of ten. However, after the age of ten, the child begins to question the parents. This is a natural process. The inconsistent and unbalanced behaviors of children between the ages of twelve and eighteen are required by their psychological nature. That is how the software in their brains works. During adolescence, hormones become active. Adolescents are difficult, as you know. Some schools of psychology refer to adolescence as a “period of normal schizophrenia.” Especially after the age of twelve, the adolescent resists and challenges the parents. It is an age of gang formation. It is difficult and challenging for parents. Every stage in a child’s life has its own beauty. If you view a child as a burden, then you should not have children in the first place. If a mother or father sees a child as something that will disrupt their career, then the child becomes a sacrifice in that situation.

If we have provided our children with a warm and secure family environment from an early age, they experience adolescence much more comfortably. However, if the child does not feel that they belong at home, if they feel unloved and undervalued, or if favoritism among siblings is practiced at home, then that child becomes malicious. Love is not enough. A mother and father may love their child very much. There must be discipline alongside love. The home must have rules. Parenting is not about making the child happy but about preparing the child for life. If a mother or father does not teach the child where to stand or how to behave in life, then that child becomes egocentric and does not know how to share.

In relationships with adolescents, the strongest tool parents have is patience. They must do what is right and wait patiently. If pressure, threats, fear, or intimidation are applied to a child who is making mistakes, the child will run away. To help the child improve, sometimes they will have to pray in the next room, but they should not become polarized with the child. If polarization occurs—most often due to the adults—both sides lose. In this age, being a parent brings significant responsibility.

- As Tolstoy said, all happy families resemble one another, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Why is that?

Happy families are those with complementary models. In families, the essential quality is not similarity but complementarity. The woman should be the complement of the man, and the man should be the complement of the woman. Families that have such complementarity resemble each other. The brains of couples who get along well mirror each other and become similar. This is called the Michelangelo phenomenon. When Michelangelo was asked, “How can you create such beautiful sculptures?” he replied, “The beauty already exists within the stone; I simply remove the excess and reveal the beauty inside.” Similarly, a person’s self is reshaped through the approval of their spouse, just like a sculpture. This also applies to the mother and child relationship. A mother can tell from a child’s movements whether they are hungry or cold. But someone else cannot perceive that. Selfish individuals are unable to do this. It is necessary to invest in happiness within marriage. Those who lack marital maturity cannot invest in a relationship. In such cases, the man treats the house like a hotel, and the woman sees her spouse as a money machine. These are marriages without a soul.

Decreasing marriages, increasing divorces, propaganda against marriage and matrimony, altered gender roles, infidelity stories used as filler content in television programs, glorified so-called decent relationships, the sanctification of same-sex relationships and marriages, the endorsement of genderless child-rearing projects, and more. All these indicate that the traditional family institution is under attack from many fronts. How can we protect the family institution under such intense siege?

The human brain is a relational brain. It is not programmed to live alone but to be part of a group. Therefore, the human being is a social creature. In such a situation, people are easily influenced by external factors.

There are three fortresses that protect human beings: legal norms (laws, the justice system), social norms (traditions, customs, social practices, values, and cultural transmissions), and moral norms (ethical principles, conscience). Social norms protect the family. These are values and societal culture. The greatest characteristic of social norms is cultural transmission. Love, respect, sincerity, and loyalty are all values. These social norms protect the family. Moral norms are also important. The final inner fortress that protects a person is the family fortress. The walls of the family have collapsed. The walls of society have collapsed. Digital media is able to penetrate the safe environment of the home. Laws and regulations are not sufficient in this regard, and our education system is not adequate either.

Quality time at home is very important. If there is quality time spent together at home, if there is positive family communication, and if a zone of trust exists within the family, no bad child will come out of that home. Even if the child makes a mistake, they will return. Therefore, we must not be hopeless or pessimistic.

In your opinion, is it possible to be a perfect family?

Being a perfect family sounds appealing, but it is not possible. A perfect family is the one that uses the resources it has in the best possible way. The family that accumulates the most beautiful memories is the most perfect family. It is not correct to draw an ideal format for a perfect family. The more beautiful memories we accumulate with our children, our loved ones, and our spouses, the more we are in profit. As you know, when a person dies, their record of good deeds is closed, and only three records remain open: a righteous child, beneficial knowledge, and charitable works. A righteous child is the greatest spiritual investment. One must devote time to raise a good child.

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)