Prof. Nevzat Tarhan warns against the addiction “spreading like a cancer virus” …

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, was the guest of Başakşehir Municipality’s Thought Academy. In the highly attended program, Tarhan delivered a talk titled “Why Is Family the Last Refuge?”, describing the family as an inner fortress that protects society and emphasizing the importance of children growing up in a safe environment. Highlighting the increasing importance of the family in the digital world, Tarhan warned about the rapidly spreading epidemic of digital gambling addiction.
Tarhan said, “We are now hospitalizing patients because of digital gambling. Families are being destroyed; businesspeople and companies are collapsing. There is a very serious silent epidemic right now. It is spreading like the virus of cancer.”

The discussion, moderated by Onur Kesepara, was held at the Başakşehir Municipality City Arts Conference Hall.

“A very unsafe gap is forming inside the safe environment of the home”

Emphasizing that the family is the inner fortress that protects society, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said: “Legal norms exist to protect society, individuals, children, and people. These legal norms must protect the family through laws; humans need protection. We must have legal norms against negative external influences and cultural drift, but these norms have weakened, globally as well. Secondly, social norms, that is, traditions and customs, have also weakened. They were undermined under the label of ‘neighborhood pressure,’ and anti-traditional movements emerged. Thirdly, the institution that protects the human being is the family. The family is like an inner fortress. When the outer fortresses collapse, we retreat to the inner one. The outer fortresses are legal norms and social norms. The inner fortress is the home. However, right now, even in this inner fortress, inside the safe space of the home, there is an open door: tablets and digital platforms. A very unsafe gap is forming within the supposed safe environment of the house. We think our children are right before our eyes, but they are not.”

Voluntary imperialism and the only protection is the family

Speaking about the spread of voluntary imperialism, Tarhan continued: “Cultural transmission used to take place through the family, such as, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather… Values were passed on through them: ‘Behave like this, pay attention to that, don’t lie, be compassionate, be fair, respect others’ rights…’ These things are learned in early childhood through stories, lived experiences, and memorie, not from books. A child experiences something at home, witnesses a behavior, and that becomes a memory engraved in the brain. It forms their life script. These life scripts remain like seeds and grow as the person grows. Actors change, but the core scripts stay the same. However, now, when children enter the internet, they are immersed in popular culture and Hollywood culture. And today, voluntary imperialism has emerged. In the past, places like Africa were exploited through forced imperialism. Now it’s voluntary: they create a game, an entertainment industry, then release a certain clothing trend, and within months everyone is wearing it, even though they already own many clothes. This is voluntary imperialism. And the only thing that can protect against it is the institution of the family.”

“Humility opens the door to all goodness”

Highlighting that humility is the opposite of arrogance, Tarhan said: “Imam Ghazali makes a beautiful observation in The Alchemy of Happiness: ‘If you were to gather all evils into a room, arrogance would be the door that opens them.’ Arrogance is the feeling of superiority. Indeed, arrogance opens the door to all evils. Its counterpart is humility, and humility opens the door to all goodness. This does not mean belittling yourself or giving endlessly. It means neither crushing nor allowing yourself to be crushed. In relationships, you must not look down on anyone, not even someone with an IQ of 50–60. Every person is original, unique. Someone you least expect may surpass you in something. There is also a success-oriented philosophy of life today. However, real success is cumulative; it becomes clear at the end of life. You cannot say, ‘I am successful’ right now, because you do not know what will happen five years from now…”

“The California syndrome has now become a global civilization syndrome”

Tarhan stated that although the gross national product has increased, happiness has declined. He said, “The California syndrome has now become a global civilization syndrome. There are certain signs of this. One of them is pleasure-oriented living. It is a mindset that glorifies chasing pleasure as the purpose of life. Eating, drinking, having fun… An average American works five days a week and expects to enjoy himself for two days. When he cannot have fun, he becomes depressed. Ten people compete, seven lose and three win. The seven become unhappy. A system that makes seventy or eighty percent of society unhappy is not a healthy system. In the United States, for example, the per capita gross national product was around twenty thousand dollars in the 1950s. Now it is about seventy thousand dollars per person. Despite everything, happiness continues to decline.”

“A person has more than one role”

Emphasizing family roles, Tarhan said, “In our culture, a patriarchal structure dominates. It is said that ‘The woman makes the home.’ However, a person has more than one role. If a woman works, she is a businessperson. A man can also be a businessperson. At the same time, there is the father role, the spouse role, and the professional role. When a man focuses on only his work role, he acts as if the father role and the spouse role are unimportant. He dismisses these roles and identifies solely with being a provider. He says, ‘I bring home the bread, what more do you want?’ Whereas what a woman wants is actually a loving glance, a smile, a few kind words, a warm touch… These are not difficult or expensive things.”

“The tone of criticism goes too far in our culture”

Explaining that the home should be made into a safe environment, Tarhan continued: “How can we make the home a safe space within the family? We need to focus on this. If a child runs home happily and loves being at home, there is a good atmosphere and a good climate in that house. Problems may arise, but every problem is a learning opportunity. A crisis occurs, an argument or disagreement takes place, and something is learned from it. Everyone learns. In such a case, one may say to the child, ‘My dear, what did this teach us?’

For example, in our culture the tone of criticism often goes too far. Sometimes parents behave not like parents but like someone giving a sermon or a lecture. You sit at breakfast and suddenly it turns into a sermon. The child says, ‘Mom, are you going to lecture again? Are you going to ask questions again?’”

“The best gift is the time devoted to the child”

Highlighting the importance of building a horizontal relationship with the child, Tarhan said: “Some children challenge their mothers, while some become withdrawn. These are common situations. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is quality time and meaningful companionship. This is the greatest gift, not buying presents or smartphones. The best gift is the time given to the child. This shared time must be of high quality and should be in the form of a dialogue, not a monologue. In other words, it should not be the mother talking while the child only listens. There must be mutual and empathetic listening. The mother should listen, show that she is listening, and even take notes if needed. She should ask, ‘How can we solve this problem?’ She should spend time with the child and build a horizontal relationship. Not a vertical one. As families, we often form vertical relationships with our children. Oppressive and controlling… Forming a horizontal relationship does not mean spoiling the child. Some overly protective mothers take over the child’s tasks. However, there are two kinds of captains: one who steers the ship and one who guides it. Motherhood is not taking the child’s place and doing what the child is supposed to do. A mother should be a guiding captain.”

If you enter the institution of marriage, you should not consider divorce as an option

Tarhan pointed out that children pay the real price of divorce. He said: “One of the greatest challenges we are facing now is fragmented families. The issue of raising children is critical. Divorce exists between spouses but there is no divorce from motherhood and fatherhood. When parents divorce, doing so for the well-being of the child is a different matter. In marriage, divorce is not an option but a result. If you enter a marriage thinking, ‘If it does not work, we will get divorced,’ then that marriage lacks maturity. Can a surgeon in the operating room suddenly say, ‘I am bored, I am quitting’? He cannot. Can an airplane pilot say, ‘I am bored, I am stopping’? He cannot. Marriage is such an institution. If you enter the institution of marriage, you should not think of divorce as an option. If despite everything you have done your best to continue the marriage and there is no other solution, then separation becomes a result. In this case, parents must still be able to talk to each other for the sake of the child. Those who part ways maturely and respectfully manage this. Otherwise, the child goes to the mother and hears the mother criticizing the father. Then the child goes to the father and hears the father criticizing the mother. In such cases, the ones who pay the biggest price are the children.”

“The closer the gap between self-perception and actual self-level, the greater the maturity”

Drawing attention to the concepts of self-level and self-perception, Tarhan said: “In anxious children, the sense of responsibility is usually high. They are perfectionists and very responsible. They try hard thinking, ‘I should not make a mistake.’ We see this often in exam situations. In fact, this is a positive thing. The child has a strong sense of responsibility and does not want to make mistakes. Most of the time, this is a child who has grown up with plenty of love from parents. To avoid disappointing them, the child burdens himself excessively. A person has a self-level and a self-perception. In these children, self-perception is lower. They see themselves as less capable than they are, worrying, ‘I will make a mistake, something will go wrong.’ In some children, especially those who challenge their parents or talk back, the opposite is true. Their self-perception is higher than their actual level. They object to their parents and push boundaries. The closer the gap between self-perception and self-level, the more mature the person is. Normally, people reach this level of maturity around the age of twenty-one or twenty-two. Adolescents learn this through experience and by making mistakes.”

“There is a serious silent epidemic”

Emphasizing that addiction is a serious brain disorder, Tarhan continued: “Gambling addiction is part of this as well. And something very wrong has been done recently. Gambling and betting have been legalized on mobile phones. Right now, we are hospitalizing patients because of digital gambling. Families are falling apart. Businesspeople and companies are going bankrupt. There is a very serious silent epidemic at the moment. It destroys the economy and ruins families. It spreads like a cancer-causing virus. It is spreading rapidly. These kinds of cases keep coming to us. Brain imaging studies on addicts show what we call behavioral addiction, such as gambling or digital addiction. Normally, the reward pathways in the human brain are like small reward trails. In addicts, these pathways become like highways. They cannot get enough of the reward. They play and cannot feel satisfied. Many begin thinking, ‘I will earn more.’ They accumulate massive debt and continue gambling to try to recover it. They play recklessly, thinking, ‘Let me try one more time.’ They lose everything they have gained. In gambling, the house always wins. The individual never wins. This is something people need to understand. In gambling, the winner is always the house. Two people may play and one may think he has won, but ultimately no one truly wins.”

At the end of the talk, a certificate was presented to Prof. Nevzat Tarhan.

The program concluded with a group photo.