The foundation of the sense of trust is the father’s role

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, was the guest of the “Father and Son in the Same Camp” program organized by the Istanbul Provincial Directorate of Youth and Sports. Speaking on “Family and Qualified Communication,” Tarhan emphasized the decisive role of family communication in cultural transmission and drew attention to the ways the internet and technology threaten family structure. Highlighting the importance of raising children according to the era they live in, Tarhan stated that a balance of love and discipline is essential for healthy development. He underlined that the father’s role is the cornerstone of a child’s sense of trust and reminded that the most valuable gift a parent can give is quality time. Tarhan also noted that excessive protection can foster narcissistic tendencies in children.

The program, held at Şehit Halil Kantarcı Marmaracık Youth Camp, drew significant interest from parents and young participants.

The talk was moderated by Journalist Şaban Özdemir, with around 120 fathers and sons from different districts of Istanbul in attendance.

“The family is our last fortress for cultural transmission”

During the interactive session, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized the importance of raising children according to the era they are growing into: “The legal and social norms that protect society have changed. The family is our last fortress for cultural transmission. However, the internet and smartphones, which have become the open door of the home, put the family at risk. If we cannot transmit our own culture and values to our children, we will become victims of popular culture within 10–20 years. We will become victims of Hollywood culture and the entertainment industry. Our children are not just our children; they are children of the era they live in. Hazrat Ali has a beautiful saying: ‘Do not raise your children according to your own time; raise them according to the time they will live in.’ However, most of the time, we try to raise our children by saying, ‘In our day, things were like this.’ Instead, we must raise them for the era they will face. This perspective is crucial, because to understand young people and children, we must first change our own perspective.”

“The issue that causes the most tension at home is comparison”

Tarhan highlighted that children should never be compared: “In our culture, when a new baby is born, the first thing said is, ‘Your shoe has been thrown on the roof; your sibling has arrived.’ Right from the start, comparison begins. When comparison begins, rivalry emerges among siblings. Comparison is one of the main causes of tension and conflict at home. Another issue is vertical coalitions within the family. The mother sides with one child, the father sides with another. Vertical coalitions emerge. One parent supports one child, the other supports the other. The same dynamic is seen in family businesses. Family companies rarely survive long. One uncle supports one group, the father supports another, and a cousin supports yet another. Polarization forms through these coalitions. Where polarization exists, time and energy are spent not on progress but on defeating one another, on ego battles and personality clashes. In reality, for any institution to progress, everyone must focus on what needs to be done for the good of the family or the company.”

Avoid using parental terms as nicknames for your child, such as “Mommy” or “Daddy”!

Emphasizing the importance of autonomy in children, Tarhan explained: “Just like the father–son relationship, roles such as motherhood, fatherhood, being a businessperson, and being a spouse must all be lived correctly. Role distribution is extremely important. For children, things differ according to age groups. For example, the age range of 4–12 is different, and 12–18 is different. A child’s behavior changes according to age. For a child aged 4–12, the father is a hero. Everything he says is sacred in the child’s world. This is an incredible opportunity. When a father can be a good role model, establish trust, and avoid expecting adult behavior from a child, this becomes very valuable. However, we often call the child ‘my daddy.’ We should not express love by calling the child ‘daddy.’ A child is not our limb or extension. Similarly, we call girls ‘my mommy.’ Maybe this is acceptable for the first 2–3 years, but after that, the child must be seen as an individual. Otherwise, a patronizing attitude develops, and excessive affection becomes harmful. When we constantly say ‘daddy,’ ‘mommy,’ ‘auntie,’ the child feels immature. Their sense of autonomy and independent thinking does not develop. In this era, autonomy and independence are vital. We must teach our children to become the captain of their own ship. Parenting is not just about making the child happy; it is about teaching them life.”

“Discipline infused with love is essential”

Emphasizing the importance of balancing love and discipline, Tarhan said: “Parents may raise their child like the little king of the house. This may seem fine at an early age, but after the age of 10, the child begins to command, to dominate, and afterward no one can say ‘no’ to them. While their desires are limited to a toy car when they are small, as they grow older, they demand a real car. When you don’t give it, they start shaking the parents like a fruit tree. It’s not that there is no love at home, but many children are raised without discipline and without rules. Most of these children grow up this way, that is, loved, but without structure. There must be rules and authority in the home. Discipline infused with love is essential. In such an environment, a child learns not only about rights but also responsibilities. For example, the child asks something from the mother or father, and you say, ‘Okay, I’ll do it, but first finish your homework.’ The child finishes the homework and you keep your word. This way, the child learns both responsibility and their rights. Every age has its own level of maturity for a child.”

“The best gift a father can give his child is quality time”

Tarhan explained that spending quality time is a great gift: “The best gift a father can give his child is quality time. Not buying toys or expensive things, but dedicating meaningful time. This varies depending on the child’s age. Sometimes it means playing, sometimes it means talking. From the age of 6 or 7, children begin to think concretely and abstractly. At this stage, asking for their opinion, ‘What do you think about this?,’ and exploring ideas together becomes very important. This builds a trust relationship. It is incredibly important for a child to trust their father.”

“Justice begins in the family”

Highlighting that sibling rivalry is natural, Tarhan said: “This rivalry is like a boatman’s quarrel. They fight and an hour later act as if nothing happened. This is usually the case. There will be small conflicts like ‘your toy, my toy.’ There may be occasional tension, but parents should not intervene immediately. Children should be given the opportunity: ‘You are mature enough, solve the problem between yourselves.’ Of course, they should try to solve it without violence. If they cannot, then a joint solution can be sought. This teaches children horizontal relationship dynamics. Otherwise, some children provoke their older sibling, and when the older one shouts, they run to the mother saying, ‘Mom, he yelled at me.’ If the mother scolds the older child, neither child learns anything. The older one feels crushed, the younger one becomes spoiled. In such situations, the parent must analyze the root cause. Also, the older child is often told, ‘You are older, be tolerant,’ while the younger one is unintentionally spoiled. The reason behind this is the lack of love and justice in the home. Justice does not begin in the courtroom; it begins in the family.”

“Overprotection is one of the greatest harms done to a child…”

Tarhan stressed the need for teaching age-appropriate responsibility: “In some families, there is excessive protection. Overprotection is one of the greatest harms done to a child. A child must be taught the responsibility appropriate for each age. A child who never learns age-appropriate responsibility becomes focused only on receiving. They act as if everyone owes them something, as if everyone must serve them. This leads to narcissistic traits. A narcissistic personality places their ego at the center of the world and such a person cannot be happy; they always want to take. Life is not as giving as parents are. For this reason, many such children may turn to substance use. Children raised with violence or excessive love cannot be satisfied by normal affection; they seek attention from everyone. When they cannot find it because they fail to establish secure relationships, and they may turn to substances. This is why children must learn the maturity of each age. A three-year-old’s maturity is different from that of a six-year-old, and different from that of a ten-year-old. Helping the father, learning to drive, swimming together, or learning to ride a bicycle are incredibly valuable. When these skills are learned together, the father becomes the most important teacher in the child’s life. The time spent together and the memories created are priceless for children.”

“A child’s greatest source of strength in life is the father’s role”

Touching on the importance of friendly communication with children, Tarhan said: “It is crucial that a child feels valued in the world of their parents. If a child comes home in fear, this is dangerous. The relationship between parent and child should not be distant. You should wrestle with them, play with them, exercise with them, sit knee-to-knee. Be gentle, not arrogant. Treat them like a friend, but respectfully. It’s not about spoiling them like a friend, but communicating well in a friendly manner. You can make future plans together. When a child asks questions, you should not be afraid. Let them ask, if you answer, they will keep asking; if you ignore them, they stop. Give them the opportunity to ask. Allow them to make mistakes. We all make mistakes. I have made mistakes too. What matters is what we learn from those mistakes. Mistakes are learning opportunities. The home should be a peaceful place. If a father can create a peaceful home, and if children come home happily, then that home is successful. Home should be a safe space. Children should not be judged prematurely. The best role models for children are parents who build secure relationships. Love usually comes from the mother, and trust comes from the father. A child’s greatest source of strength in life is the father’s role.”